"THE PILOT"
WRITTEN BY NICK MICHAELS
DIRECTED BY NICK MICHAELS
PRODUCTION NO. #VER101
SETTING AND PLACE: THE YEAR IS 2005, DOM AND DANIELLE ARE GETITNG READY FOR SEX IN THEIR BEDROOM. DURING THAT NIGHT THEY GET PREGNANT WITH ERIC. WE SEE A NICE BEDROOM. LIGHT BLUE WALLS AND A BED, AND A NIGHTSTAND.
DOM: COME ON MR. PENIS, IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO BECOME A BIG BOY.
~DOM STARTS HAVING SEX WITH DANIELLE. WHILE HAVING SEX WITH HER, HE ACTS OUT AS IF HIS PENIS IS GOING THROUGH HIS DAY IN DANIELLE'S VAGINA. WHILE THE STUFF SAID IS BELOW, IT IS BLACK, MEANING THE LIGHTS ARE OFF
DOM: OOH, YEAH. I LIKE FEELING THE NICE SHIT COMING OUT OF MY BUM AND INTO THE TOILET. OHHH, YEAH. I LOVE EATING THAT DELICIOUS OATMEAL. WOOHOO. GET IN THERE NICE AND SOFT. AW, YEAHHH. GIMME THE SUGAR WITH MY COFFEE. OH YEAH TIME TO DRINK IT.TIME TO HEAD TO WORK. YEAH!!! FUCK, THAT'S THE NICEST CAR EVER TO JERK AND DRIVE IN. OHHHHHH. C'MON TIME TO MAKE THIS ROAD, GIMME IT, LET ME FEEL THAT NICE SMOOTH AND TARED ROAD. THAT'S WHAT MAKES YOU A BIG BOY, MR. PENIS , GOING TO THAT JOB OF YOURS WORKING AND MAKING ROADS. AW, HELL YEAH. OKAY, TIME TO GO HOME AND EAT DINNER. YUM YUM YUM YUM YUM! TIME FOR THE SEX. AW YEAH. THAT'S THE BEST PART OF MY DAY.
~DOM JERKS OFF A LOUD SCREAM~
DOM: FUCK YEAH!
~OFFSCREEN WE SEE HEAR SOMEONE SHOUTING. THE GUY SOUNDS LIKE A RED-NECK
PERSON: SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU GAY-ASS QUEER.
DOM: OKAY, ITS TIME TO GO TO SLEEP.
~SHE PATS HIS PENIS.
DANIELLE: WE'LL SEE HOW MR. PENIS'S DAY IS TOMORROW NIGHT, BABY.
SETTING AND PLACE 2: DOM IS USING THE TOILET, HE IS SITTING DOWN GOING NUMBER TWO. DANIELLE THEN WALKS IN. THE BATHROOM IS WHITE, TILE FLOORS. IT IS MORNING.
DOM: THAT SEX WE HAD LAST NIGHT WAS JUST (HE STARTS SHOUTING WITH A HIGH-VOICE) FAB-U-LOUS!
DANIELLE: DOM. UH, I DONT KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS. BUT, I'M PREGNANT.
DOM: WHAT.
DANIELLE: YEAH... I TOOK A PREGNANCY TEST ABOUT AN HOUR AGO WHEN YOU WERE SLEEPING.
DOM: OH.
DANIELLE: I COULD GET IT AN ABORTION
DOM: DANIELLE, HAVE YOU EVER FELT LIKE,
DANIELLE: FELT WHAT?
DOM: THAT CALIFORNIA ISN'T THAT GREAT OF A PLACE?
DANIELLE: I'LL BE HONEST, LIVING IN THIS HOUSE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE KIM KARDASHIAN. A GROSS SLUT WHO MAKES SEX TAPES.
DOM: I WANT TO HAVE THAT CHILD, BUT THIS ISN'T THE GREATEST PLACE. I FEEL LIKE THAT MASSACHUSETTS WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE. BECAUSE OF THE NICE WATER NEAR IT. THE NICE WONDERFUL WATER MAKES ME THINK HAPPY BONER-Y THOUGHTS.
DANIELLE: WELL, I THINK IT'D BE A GREAT PLACE TO LIVE TO HAVE A SON. ME, YOU, AND HIM/HER WOULD HAVE A WONDERFUL BETTER LIFE IN MASSACHUSETTS.
~DOM GETS UP.
DOM: SO I THINK WE SHOULD MOVE THERE.
DANIELLE : YES!
~DOM SHOUTS~
DOM: WOOHOO! I NO LONGER HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOUR FUCKING COMMENTS ANYMORE YOU RED-NECK HIPPIE.
~OFFSCREEN THE REDNECK GUY YELLS AGAIN AT DOM~
PERSON: SUCK MY DICK AND GET KILLED YOU FAGGOT. ENJOY YOUR WONDERFUL MASSA-TWO-SHITS LIFE.
SETTING AND PLACE 3: HOSPITAL.
DOCTOR: PUSH
DANIELLE: AWHWHWWW.
DOCTOR: COME ONE TWO MORE PUSHES!!!
DANIELLE: (BREATHES UHHHHHHHHHHH)
DOCTOR: ONE MORE! COME ON YOU GOT THIS.
DANIELLE: (AWHWHHWHW.) (BABY COMES OUT) (breathes heavily)
DOCTOR: IT'S A BOY.
~DOCTOR GIVES BABY TO DOM.
DOM: IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
DANIELLE: WANNA KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD NAME IT?
DOM: WHAT?
DANIELLE: ERIC
DOM: I LOVE THAT NAME. AND I LOVE YOU.
~DOM,DANIELLE, AND ERIC ALL HUG.
DOM: I HOPE MASSACHUSETTES WILL BE A WONDERFUL PLACE TO LIVE FOR ETERNITY.
DANIELLE: ME TOO.
~THEY HUG AGAIN.
SETTING AND PLACE 4: IT IS THE YEAR PRESENT-DAY 2015. MASSACHUSETTS IS ON FIRE AND THEY ARE NEAR THE "WELCOME TO MASSACHUSETTS" SIGN. THEIR SON'S NAME IS ERIC AND IS A BOY, HE IS 10.
DOM: I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THE WHOLE STATE WENT CRAZY BECAUSE ARIANA GRANDE HAD A WARDROBE MALFUNCTION IN OUR STATE. WHAT THE HECK NOW?
DANIELLE: DAMN. SHIT SHIT SHIT.
ERIC: AT LEAST WE HAVE EACH OTHER.
~ERIC ALMOST GETS HIT BY A ROCK, BUT MOVES JUST IN-TIME.
ERIC: HOLY FUCK, THAT WAS CLOSE.
DOM: WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
ERIC: WELL, WE COULD MOVE TO ANOTHER STATE.
DOM: VERMONT.
DANIELLE: WHAT?
ERIC: WHAT DO YOU MEAN VERMONT?
DOM: THAT'S WHERE WILL LIVE. VERMONT. WE CAN'T AFFORD TO MOVE THAT FAR, AND VERMONT IS ONLY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF NEW HAMPSHIRE. WE CAN DO THIS. WE CAN GET A WONDERFUL NEW HOME. CALIFORNIA DIDN'T WORK, MASSACHUSETTS WORKED, BUT GOT DESTROYED BECAUSE OF THOSE FANGIRL WHORES. VERMONT MIGHT BE JUST THE PLACE WE NEED TO LIVE. TRUST ME GUYS, IT MAY BE FOR THE BEST. AND WE DON'T HAVE MUCH MONEY, SO THIS MIGHT BE THE PLACE. C'MON GUYS.
ERIC: I AGREE. LET'S DO IT!
DANIELLE: LET'S FREEZE-FRAME IN MID-AIR TO CELEBRATE!
~ALL THREE JUMP.
ERIC: UH, WHAT DO WE DO?
DOM: JUST STAY STILL UNTIL THE SHITTY THEME SONG COMES ON.
ERIC: THAT'S RUDE.
DANIELLE: JUST CUT TO BLACK.
ERIC: NOOOO.
SETTING AND PLACE 5: AIRPORT, ON A PLANE, SITTING. LATER THEY ARE AT THE HOUSE.
DOM: OKAY, SO DURING THAT SHIT SONG I FOUND A NICE HOUSE FOR SALE
DANIELLE: REALLY? OOH LET ME SEE.
ERIC: ME TOO.
~DOM ACCIDENTALLY PUTS ON THE SEXY AND I KNOW IT MUSIC VIDEO.
I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT.
~DOM IS EMBARASSED
DOM: SORRY, HERE'S THE HOUSE
ERIC: OOH, FANCY.
DANIELLE: IT'S PERFECT, AND ALSO, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO TALK ABOUT WHAT YOUR SEARCHING UP ON YOUTUBE IN YOUR FREE-TIME.
DOM: THE ONLY BAD THING THAT WE HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IS THE REALTER FROM CUNTRY 21.
DANIELLE: YOU MEAN, CENTURY 21?
DOM: NO CUNTRY 21, BECAUSE ALL THE FEMALES FROM THEIR ARE TOTAL CUNTS.
ERIC: NOT AS BAD AS THE RAPIST IN MY BEDROOM.
ERIC: HE BE CLIMBIN' IN MY WINDOWS, AND SNATCHING MY PEOPLE UP.
DOM: AND I KILLED HIM. OFF TO VERMONT!
~PLANE IS SHOWN. WE HEAR DOM.
DOM: WOOHOO! NO MORE REDNECK HILLBILLIES!!!
PLANE ATTENDENT: WELCOME TO AMERICA BITCHES, NOW G,T,F,O!
DOM: THIS GENERATION. (SIGHING) THIS GENERATION.
ERIC: WHERE TO DAD?
DOM: THIS WAY. I BOUGHT A CAR. IT'S A PRETTY NEAT CAR WHILE ON THE PLANE
ERIC: LOOKS AWESOME
DOM: IT'S GONNA BE ABOUT 15 MILES TO FIND THIS PLACE.
ERIC: OKAY.
DANIELLE: MHM. ENJOY THE DRIVE GUYS, I'LL BE THINKING OF SAGE THE GEMINI.
~A MONTAGE OF THE CAR DRIVING WITH A TOUR OF THE CITY IS SHOWN WHILE GAS PEDAL IS PLAYED.
~THEY ARE AT THE HOUSE.
DOM: WOW, IT'S BETTER THEN EXPECTED.
DANIELLE: I LOVE IT.
~WE THEN SEE CHRIS AND KRIS: TWO GAY MEN, WHO LIVE ACROSS THE STREET
CHRIS: HOLA
KRIS: COMO ESTAS?
DOM: IT'S OKAY, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEAK THAT OTHER LANGUAGE THAT ISN'T ENGLISH.
CHRIS: ALRIGHT.
KRIS: WELCOME TO NEWPORT. ARE YOU BUYING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET?
DOM: YUP
DANIELLE: YEAH. ERIC COME OVER HERE AND COME SAY HELLO TO THE NEW NEIGHBORS
ERIC: SUP FELLAS.
CHRIS: SUP.
KRIS: SUP.
~IT SUDDENLY GETS ALL SILENT.
DOM: SO, UH. IS THERE ANY KIDS AROUND?
CHRIS: YEAH, THERE'S THREE MORE. THE "BADASSES" OF NEWPORT.
DANIELLE: WHAT'S THEIR NAMES?
ERIC: YEAH. GIMME EM TALL GUY.
KRIS: HEY, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING SHORT.
CHRIS: I THINK HE WAS TALKING TO ME.
ERIC: YEAH, SO WHAT'S THEIR NAMES?
CHRIS: JAKOB, NICK, AND EAN. JAKOB WITH A "K", EAN WITH AN "E" AND NICK, SOMETIMES WITH AN ER AFTER IT, BECAUSE HE'S JUST THAT COOL.
ERIC: WAIT, NICK ER. NICK ER. I CAN'T SAY THAT. IMJUST CALL HIM NICK. IF HE PUNCHES ME. WELL, I'LL TAKE OUT THE BIG GUNS.
DOM: WELL, IT WAS NICE KNOWING YOU GUYS, SEE YALL LATER.
ERIC: I'M GONNA TWEET ABOUT MY EXPERIENCE.
~ERIC TAKES OUT A PHONE, HE STARTS TWEETING. HIS USERNAME IS @ERICDABEAST2014 THE FOLLOWING: JUST HAD A CONVERSATION ABOUT THREE KIDS WITH TWO GAY GUYS. WHAT IS LIFE ANYMORE. #IDONTGETTHEPURPOSEOFLIFE #HELPME #WUT
DOM: THIS GENERATION. THIS GENERATION. UGH.
ERIC: DAD, YOU STALK MY TWEETS. I DONT GET WHY YOU DO THAT, WHEN YOUR A (sarcasm) TOTALLY HILARIOUS GUY.
DOM: #PEACE
SETTING AND PLACE 6: THE HOUSE.
DOM: OKAY. I'M GOING TO CENTURY 21 TO FIND THE BITCH WHO WORKS THEIR TO GET OUR HOUSE SET UP.
DOM: WHILE I'M DOING THAT. YOU AND MOM GO TO APPLEBEES FOR LUNCH. I'M GONNA GET A HOT-DOG WITH THE BUN FOR LUNCH
ERIC: REALLY. WITH THE BUN?
DOM: YUP.
ERIC: UGH.
SETTING AND PLACE 7: APPLEBEES. DANIELLE AND ERIC ARE TALKING. ~
ERIC: MOM
DANIELLE: YES, DEAR?
ERIC: DO YOU THINK THIS NEW HOUSE WILL BE GOOD?
DANIELLE: WELL. YEAH.
ERIC: ME TOO. ANOTHER QUESTION. DO YOU THINK IT WILL GET LIT ON FIRE BY THAT PSYCHOPATH AGAIN?
DANIELLE: ERIC, LIKE FOR YEARS BEFORE YOU WERE BORN. THERE WAS SOMETHING CALLED 9/11. THAT GUY DIED ANYWAY. PLUS, SECRUITY IS TIGHT NOW. DON'T WORRY. WE'LL BE FINE.
ERIC: GOOD.
~SKRILLEX'S CINEMA PLAYS. JAKOB, NICK, AND EAN WALK IN.
JAKOB: WHERE'S THE KID NAMED ERIC? I HEARD HE'S MOVING IN. I THINK WE GOT OUR SELVES A CISSY.
ERIC: BITCH, THE FUCK YOU JUST SAY TO ME?
JAKOB: NAH, I'M KIDDING.
NICK: WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
EAN: WE ARE THE BADASSES OF NEWPORT.
NICK: SINCE YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE A MINECRAFT-PLAYING NOOB BEE-ATCH, JOIN US. WE'RE GONNA BE TAKING OVER A MAPLE SYRUP FACTORY SOON.
ERIC: AIGHT. NOW FACK OFF.
DANIELLE: WOW, THEY SEEM NICE.
ERIC: HUE HUE.
~A SPANISH WOMAN COMES AND GIVES THEM THEIR FOOD. ERIC HAS CHICKEN AND FRIES. DANIELLE HAS A SALAD.
SPANISH WOMAN: HERE YOU FOOD, HERE YOU CHICKEN FINGERS, HERE YOU SALAD. YOU ENJOY PEASE.
SETTING AND PLACE 8: CENTURY 21. DOM IS AT CENTURY 21 GETTING THE HOUSE. A WOMAN IS AT THE DESK.
DOM: HEY, DO YOU KNOW WHERE MRS. LYNN SILVER IS AT? I WAS TALKING TO HER ABOUT BUYING A HOUSE.
LADY: NO. GEET OUT.
DOM: WHAT?
LADY: YOU WANNA GO FATASS? LET'S GO.
~SHE THROWS A PUNCH.
DOM: WAIT, WHAT IF I TELL YOU A JOKE. NO BETTER YET TWO.
LADY: OKAY, I'M LISTENING.
DOM: THE FIRST JOKE IS ELECTING OBAMA.
DOM: THE SECOND JOKE IS RE-ELECTING OBAMA.
~SHE LAUGHS UNTIL SHE DIES.
LADY: OH MY GOD. AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH. OH MY GOD, I'M HAVING A HEART AT-AT-AT-AT-ATTACK.
~SHE CLUTCHES HER LUNGS.
LADY: NO. MORE. OBAMA.
~SHE IS THEN DEAD. MRS. LYNN SILVER WALKS IN. DOM SEES SHE IS SHOCKED BUT IS THEN SURPRISED AND HAPPY THAT SHE IS DEAD.
LYNN: THANK GOD, SHE WAS A BITCH. A NASTY BITCH.
DOM: FIGURES. SO ABOUT THE HOUSE?
LYNN: YEAH, SIGN THESE PAPERS. SO I CAN GET MY MON-AY.
~LYNN GIVES DOM THE PAPERS. ON THE PAPERS IT SAYS THE FOLLOWING:
PLEASE SIGN YOUR NAME HERE TO CONFIRM THIS IS YOU _________________.
PLEASE SIGN YOUR NAME HERE AGAIN TO CONFIRM THAT THIS IS YOU SIGNING THE PLEASE SIGN YOUR NAME HERE TO CONFIRM THIS IS YOU ___________.
SIGN HERE AGAIN TO CONFIRM THE FIRST CONFIRMATION OUT OF 300 CONFIRMATIONS. ___________
~12 HOURS LATER, IT IS NIGHT TIME. DOM IS TIRED, VERY TIRED, AND WANTS TO KILL HIM SELF.
DOM: HOW MANY FUCKING MORE PAPERS
LISA: JUST ONE MORE.
DOM: FUCK THIS SHIT.
~DOM PUNCHES LISA.
DOM: GIVE ME THE FUCKING HOUSE KEYS, YOU SIGN IT YOU DUMB BITCH
~LISA ON THE GROUND BLOODY TRIES TO RESPOND.
LISA: OH, OKAY, HERE YOU PASSED IT. HERES YOUR NEW HOUSE.
DOM WALKS OUT THE DOOR. HIS BACK IS FACING THE CAMERA. "HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME" PLAYS.
SINGER: HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME. I MADE MY MISTAKES. AS THE NIGHT GOES ON, AS I'M FADING AWAY.
SETTING AND PLACE 9: THE HOUSE. DOM AND DANIELLE AND ERIC ARE THERE. THEY HAVE THEIR NEIGHBORS KRIS AND CHRIS THERE. JAKOB, EAN, AND NICK TOO. THE VIRGINS COUPLE: LOGAN AND STEPHANIE. A NEWS TEAM: ONE BOY AND ONE GIRL: CHEYANNE AND AUSTIN, FROM WYOMING AND TEXAS. WE SEE A RED RIBBON IN FRONT OF THE TOCCO'S NEW HOUSE. THE TOCCO'S ARE READY TO CUT THE RIBBON.
DOM: WELL, THIS HAS BEEN A FUN FEW DAYS IN NEWPORT. AND I'M GLAD TO SAY WE ALL LOVE IT.
DANIELLE: ME TOO. IT'S AMAZING HERE.
ERIC: AND WITH THESE UH FACK-FACES.
JAKOB: OH, YOU.
DOM: WE NOW PRESENT THE NEWEST FAMILY IN VERMONT, THE VERMONTERS.
(EVERYBODY CLAPS) (A PAUSING NOISE IS HEARD)
ERIC: WAIT, WASN'T OUR NAME THE TOCCO'S.
KRIS: THEY'RE LYING. KILL DEM ALL.
~EVERYONE PULLS OUT A GUN AND SHOOTS EACH OTHER. DOM THEN WAKES UP TO BE REVEALED IN A DREAM.
DOM: OH SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT.
DANIELLE: DAFUQ?
DOM: I HAD A DREAM THAT EVERYONE IN OUR NEW CITY GOT SHOT.
DANIELLE: YEAH, WE DID. IN PAINTBALL.
DOM: OH YEAH. GUESS I WASN'T THINKING STRAIGHT IN MY DREAM.
~ERIC WALKS IN.
ERIC: WHAT'S GOING ON?
DANIELLE: DOM WAS JUST DREAMING ABOUT OUR WONDERFUL NEW LIFE IN VERMONT.
ERIC: SO WAS I. JUST HOPE IT'S GREAT HERE.
DOM: ME TOO.
~THE FAMILY HUG.
ERIC: SO WHAT'S NEXT?
DOM: IT DEPENDS ON WHAT THE WRITERS THINK OF FOR THE NEXT EPISODES.
DANIELLE: AND WE HAVE LIKE 5 SECONDS.
4.
3.
2.
1.
~THE SHOW GOES TO BLACK AND THE CREDITS ROLL.
